Whether you sip to blend in, relax, feel more confident, or out of habit, a reporter shares how alcohol-free socializing promoted social and emotional growth.
##”I Tried Alcohol-Free ##Socializing for a Month”@@
Published on Dec. 06, 2024
Why it can be hard to stop social drinking
Social pressure is one of the biggest challenges for people aiming to cut back on their drinking, says Michelle DiBlasi, DO, Chief of Inpatient Psychiatry at Tufts Medical Center. “[Alcohol] has been perpetuated as a coping mechanism for managing anxiety during social events and promoted as a way to have a better time in a group setting.” Plus, alcohol has had some pretty great marketing over the years, with “a significant amount of media coverage that glamorizes drinking as a way to have a really great time.”
On the other end, there is still such a stigma that not drinking is boring, says Millie Gooch, the founder of Sober Girl Society and author of the book Booze Less: Rethinking Drinking for the Sober & Curious. The continued glorification of alcohol and its promise to bring a good time puts people in an awkward place when it comes to navigating their social lives, adds Sandra Harris, LMSW, RCSWI, a therapist with NYC Counseling who facilitates a sober-curious therapy group. “Some believe they will be seen as the ‘party pooper’ or ‘prude’ in a group for not partaking in the festivities, and engage to avoid being left out.”
“Social anxiety is probably the next most common reservation that we hear,” Gooch says. “Lots of people drink to feel more confident in social settings, so that becomes a challenging area when they stop.”
My relationship with alcohol
My relationship with alcohol has been complicated. I was a pretty heavy drinker in my college days. Then I moved around a lot after graduating, and drinking was often the de facto way for me to feel confident meeting new people and welcome in social groups.
I also struggled to cope with stress and navigate my mental health, and, as Warrington says, “Drinking can feel like the only way to relax, while also being a socially acceptable way to medicate anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues which might otherwise be too complex or expensive to investigate in depth.”
But certain realities grew stronger as time passed: Alcohol abuse runs in my family, and my father died from alcoholism-related complications. Over a few years, I dialed down my drinking considerably—but I still felt pulled in by the social side of drinking that Gooch and Dr. DiBlasi describe.
Being more mindful of drinking alcohol
Does a few drinks with friends each week really cause any harm?
“The media gives very mixed messages,” Dr. Albers explains. “Some research suggests a glass of wine is beneficial to your health, while other studies indicate alcohol is like ‘liquid poison.'” For instance, a 2023 statement by the World Health Organization firmly states that no level of alcohol consumption is safe when it comes to human health, though some studies suggests potential health benefits from light alcohol consumption.
While this awareness of harm reduction is important, Harris challenged me to consider another angle when it comes to my social drinking habit: understanding my intention behind drinking alcohol and being more mindful about how it is impacting my life.
Identifying why I feel pressured to drink
I realized that I faced two clear challenges when it came to my goal of alcohol-free socializing for a month. First, I’ve come to associate socializing with drinking. “Within ourselves, we are often in the habit of drinking in certain environments, so when we are in that environment, our mind is used to ordering a drink—and this cycle can be hard to break,” Dr. DiBlasi says.
Secondly, I’m connected to alcohol’s cultural ties: Having a drink to celebrate, unwind, or make an activity more fun. Dr. Albers explains how drinking is a mood-regulating mechanism for many people—for better or for worse—and so it’s essential to find different ways to soothe, calm, and even celebrate.
Making a plan for alcohol-free socializing
I didn’t start my social sobriety experiment right away, and I think that this was a helpful step. Instead, I took some time to identify my drinking environments and emotional triggers (both positive and negative). I reflected on how alcohol impacted my body—I noticed that I wouldn’t sleep as well after drinking, even one or two drinks would open up anxious thought cycles, and my muscle recovery was far slower after drinking. These realizations served as motivators as I committed to skipping that drink when out with friends.
When it came time to start my 30-day challenge, Dr. Albers noted an important first step: to share my plan with the people in my life. “This will help to reduce the social pressure and will also help you to reinforce this choice,” she says. “Whenever we announce our actions out loud, research indicates it helps us to carry out the action.”
How to socialize while sober
“Inevitably, the first time you socialize without a drink, you will probably feel uncomfortable and awkward, and you probably will get pushback,” Gooch says.
I was very fortunate—aside from a few jokes here and there (especially when it came to my first few attempts at making fancy mocktails), I realized that my biggest reservation about cutting out social drinking was all in my head. No one treated me any differently. I didn’t stop getting included in plans, and I didn’t have to resort to my pre-prepared excuses for declining a drink.
If this isn’t the case for you, Gooch says, “Transparently, these are not your friends.” She adds, “Lots of people will have knee-jerk reactions to you not drinking because it’s so ingrained in society, but if you get a few months down the line and people still aren’t being supportive, it’s time to think about how much they actually have your best interests at heart.”
With that anxiety behind me, the experts helped me take steps toward a successful social month.
1. I changed my social settings
After I identified the locations and settings in which I would pretty much automatically have a drink, I took steps to switch these up. Instead of going to the restaurant where I always love to have a glass or two of white wine, I suggested a new spot where I knew there would be fun mocktails on the menu.
I then focused on planning social activities that, for me, didn’t have an existing association with drinking. This started with prioritizing daytime socializing within my work schedule, like taking longer lunches or coffee breaks with friends, attending a mid-day yoga class, or getting friends together for a walk. This helped me ensure I was getting social time in while breaking that habit-formed mental association between socializing and alcohol.
This process made it a lot easier for me to return to events where I knew that many people would be drinking. It’s like I’d “practiced” socializing sober, so it didn’t feel awkward to join happy hour while not under the influence.
2. I experimented with non-alcoholic beverages
I’m not vegan, but several of my friends are, and I enjoy the creativity of making plant-based versions of my favorite meals to share. So, I actually got excited about exploring mocktails with this same mindset—finding complex recipes that mimic my favorite drinks. Some attempts were utter failures, but I created some that were so spot-on that others asked for their own, swapping out their alcoholic drink for my mocktail.
3. I focused on other forms of self-care
Stress is a big trigger for me to go get a drink with friends, so I knew that I had to build new habits around this cycle. I was already in the middle of another challenge—meditating every day for a month—and this practice did help me self-soothe when stress was high.
But I also made a point not to “punish” myself by skipping social gatherings when I felt stressed or anxious. “It’s not about deprivation, it’s about being mindful of your choices,” Dr. Albers says.
If I felt like I’d be tempted to unwind with a drink, I’d let my friends know I’d be a half hour late and take a 15-minute walk or do a quick yoga or exercise session. This helped to calm my nervous energy before joining my friends while strengthening my resolve to stick with a non-alcoholic drink.
4. I kept a journal
Dr. Albers advised me to keep track of this habit change by journaling. “[Log] what you notice about being sober curious—the pros and cons or challenges,” she says.
Taking note of improvements in areas like my sleep, energy levels, mood, and focus served as motivators to stay true to my goal. But it was also helpful to explore emotions around feeling awkward or even resentful in certain situations, which underscored how much drinking was part of a ritual in my routine—and one I can change.
What it’s really like socializing sober
“It’s important to recognize that this journey may come with challenges, but it’s also an opportunity for personal growth,” Dr. Albers says.
Another key thing to note is that this experience will be different for everyone. I started from a place of light social drinking. I never experienced physical cravings for alcohol—in this case, the experts acknowledge that professional and/or support groups might be beneficial or necessary. But worries about “being the only sober one” among your friends is a sentiment shared by many people trying to change their relationship with alcohol, Dr. Albers says.
Give yourself time to adjust to your new normal
While the adjustment process to socializing sober was awkward at points, I was surprised by how quickly it became natural. “Practicing” socializing sober during the day was a strong start. It’s not like I wasn’t used to getting lunch with friends during the day (alcohol-free), but being mindful about it and journaling reminded me that I don’t need alcohol to spend time with people.
This helped quell any “urges” when I was in an environment where others were drinking: I was still myself, just without alcohol.
Social interactions feel more honest and meaningful
I noticed (again, through journaling) that my interactions with people were more authentic, and I didn’t have that hit of anxiety post-socializing where I’d hyper-focus on what I’d said or how I’d acted.
I also realized that many people weren’t drinking as much as I’d thought, nursing a beer or two before switching to soda water or a soft drink. By not drinking, I wasn’t sticking out in the way I had feared.
My choice to go out and socialize also felt more meaningful. My reason for going out was innately positive: to see friends. And I’d go home when I felt like it—I wasn’t compelled to stay out “for the sake of it” to finish my drink. I’m naturally more introverted, so this left me feeling more refreshed and energized from socializing instead of drained.
There were certainly times when the fear of missing out hit, but my journaling reminded me that I was replacing this late-night “fun” with other activities that formed stronger memories than those from just another night out drinking. (Not to mention the better sleep I got.) And it was this cycle of mindful positive reinforcement that kept my goal strong all month long.
About the Experts
- Susan Albers, PsyD, is a New York Times best-selling author and clinical psychologist at the Women’s Health Center at the Wooster branch of the Cleveland Clinic, where she specializes in mindful eating, body image, weight loss and depression.
- Ruby Warrington is the creator of the term “sober curious” and author of multiple best-selling books, including Sober Curious: The Blissful Sleep, Greater Focus, Limitless Presence, and Deep Connection Awaiting Us All on the Other Side of Alcohol. She has also hosted the Sober Curious podcast.
- Michelle DiBlasi, DO, is a psychiatrist, the Chief of Inpatient Psychiatry at Tufts Medical Center, and assistant professor at Tufts University School of Medicine.
- Millie Gooch is the founder of Sober Girl Society, a global community and resource hub for sober and sober-curious women, and author of the new book Booze Less: Rethinking Drinking for the Sober & Curious.
- Sandra Harris, LMSW, RCSWI, is a therapist with NYC Counseling where she has extensive experience working with substance abuse treatment and trauma therapy and leads a sober-curious therapy group.
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Sources
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Susan Albers, PsyD, a Psychologist with the Cleveland Clinic
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Ruby Warrington, author of Sober Curious: The Blissful Sleep, Greater Focus, Limitless Presence, and Deep Connection Awaiting Us All on the Other Side of Alcohol
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Michelle DiBlasi, DO, Chief of Inpatient Psychiatry at Tufts Medical Center
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Millie Gooch, the Founder of Sober Girl Society and author of the new book Booze Less: Rethinking Drinking for the Sober & Curious
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Sandra Harris, LMSW, RCSWI, a therapist with NYC Counseling who leads a Sober Curious Therapy Group
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Gallup: "Alcohol and Drinking"
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World Health Organization: "No level of alcohol consumption is safe for our health"
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The Lancet: "Alcohol and health: all, none, or somewhere in-between?"
